Social Anxiety & The Social Butterfly

SA & SB

anxiety

I have a dilemma.  I am at the same time, both socially awkward and a social butterfly.  Maybe it’s not so much a dilemma as it is a paradox.  I love the IDEA of parties, events, big social gatherings… but I don’t really like attending them.  Or more to the point I don’t like THINKING about attending them.  Especially when I’m alone or don’t really know anyone at the event.  So as much as I would like to go to something, I end up not going because it’s so much nicer being in my nice comfy PJ’s and watching a movie in my nice comfy chair.

CELEBRATE 5 DALLAS

So, LuLaRoe is having a big celebration shindig that starts in one hour from now in Dalls.  I live/work 2 hours from there.  I forgot to take a shower this morning (more like decided that I’d rather sleep another 10 minutes than take a shower), and my hair is all yucky, and I’m not wearing anything nice, and Steve wouldn’t have a car to go home and…. yea, I could keep going with all the reasons why I wouldn’t want to go.  I can come up with reasons I should go, and want to go… but they are mostly reasons I WANT to WANT to go.  Honestly, I don’t want to go anywhere.  Ever!

Really I am now in a bad mood because I set myself up for this.  Here I am a grown ass woman, and I still don’t know how to tell myself no.  I bought tickets for it (not a lot of money, but still it’s a waste) and I knew… I KNEW, I would end up not going because I hate going places.  But instead of accepting that part of myself that really doesn’t like social gatherings, I think to myself “maybe this time will be different”.   “Maybe I’ll GO this time”.  “Maybe I can talk Steve into going with me so I don’t feel so scared to go by myself”.  NO, he’s even worse about social gatherings than me.  Only he’s smarter about it, because he accepts that he doesn’t want to go and then says no right away.  Me, I like to torture myself with thinking maybe I’ll change my mind because a month ago, I thought it’d be fun.

So here I am, 20 minutes till 6pm.  I’m still at my office.  My head is itchy because I needed to take a shower and I didn’t.  I’m sad because I do this to myself every dam time there’s something going on.  So I’m going to go home and watch Black Panther (because I hate going to see movies in the theater unless it’s Star Wars) and we’ll order some food and I’ll wallow in my comfy clothes and comfy chair.

And now I just found out our gardener broke another pipe/sprinkler at our house just now.  GAH!!!  Angry emoticon!

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